Two Words: Not Always So

This Lady at Huffington Post said something I was trying to say yesterday, but didn’t do nearly as great a job at it.

Rock on Sister!

All of this talk about the new “gay movement” got me thinking about the last “new gay movement” I was a part of. Back in the 80’s there was a lot going on. AIDS was Gay Cancer. By and large the gay community was ignored, and we were left to fend for ourselves as we watched our friends and community die. We were scared, and rightly so.

Act-up was founded out of that fear, and anger, and frustration. What I recall about Act-up are two things. First and foremost it was powerful. Die-ins, closing wall street, real political theater that moved the agenda along. It was so powerful it scared a lot of gay folks along with the targets of the anger and actions. I recall how separated we were as a community then, and in some ways we still are. The leatherclad, fags and dykes reclaiming our power in reaction to, and as a result of complete dismissal. The kahki and button down crowd who think they speak for queers everywhere, tsk tsk ing and telling us we were being too loud, too visible, too much. The angry folks of Act-up and later Queer Nation were repeatedly told they were causing too much trouble. We were making things worse. Sound familiar?

The thing is Act-up worked. So did Queer Nation. We are at the table so those suits who claim to be our leaders can run their mouths because Act-up and Queer Nation demanded it, and caused a scene and wouldn’t go away. It’s amazing to think that before there was an Act-up action, the National Institute of Health, one of the biggest researchers in the WORLD, had no consumer advocacy. The community advisory process came about because Act-up caused a stink at one of their meetings, and we kept coming back, and kept coming back, and demanding to have a voice in the research being done on us. Now we do. I can tell you that those researchers we scared and who relented and let us at the table reluctantly, currently understand how vital it is to have our input. But let’s not forget what got us there.

The other amazing thing about Act-up was it’s focus and diversity. I recall sitting at my first meeting and wondering how in the hell anything got done cause there were fights and arguments, and disagreements, and loud voices. I also remember it being one of the first truly inclusive and diverse groups I had been a part of within the queer community. There was every shade of humanity in that room in West Hollywood, and every variation of gender and sex you could think up. And all of those fights and arguments and disagreements happened because everyone, and I mean everyone got a chance to speak. Meetings went on for hours, and you would think that there was no way we were going to ever get something done, and then it would happen. In the midst of all of that conversation, a tide would change, and next thing you know an action was born. A die in here, a rally here. Out of all of that messiness always came something powerful.

Currently we think we have to control things to get anywhere. If we have a nice neat and orderly revolution things will get done. If we don’t piss off or scare them, they will approve and like us. But that’s not the nature of revolution. Revolutions are messy things. They are ugly and scary and out of control. But if we can stay focused on what we deserve and demand; if we manage to not eat our own in the process; if we can find away back into diversity and truly letting EVERYONE speak; If we can learn from our history; we might stand a chance.

I learned how to be a man of conscience because I learned activism in a place where diversity was demanded. Where we understood that if one of us was left out of the discussion, something important was going to be missed. Where it was the differences that brought us power, not kept us down.

That’s what this “new” movement seems to have forgotten. At least from this old faggots eyes.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was how glad I am to have so many amazing people in my life. They inspire and fortify me at just the right times.

I am grateful for the practice of paying attention, and the times when I am able to actually do that. I am glad for the teachers of all varieties who show up to share just what I need, just when I need it. This is true even if I don’t recognize it at the time.

I am grateful for food, and shelter, and clothing. This is an abundant life when I consider how many are not as blessed as I am. Even in my physical poverty, I have always ALWAYS had friends and loved ones who had my back.

I am grateful for the peace of mind and peace of heart I get to experience most days. This hasn’t always been true in my life, and I appreciate the difference.

I am grateful for the knowledge I have, and the lessons I have learned. Some where painful, but I am stubborn enough that it took a little pain to get it across. I am a better person for it.

I am grateful for you.
Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukah
Happy Kwanzaa
Joyful Seasons Greetings to you all.

As I navigate the landscape trying to find white gay men who are interested in coming together to discuss racism and sexism and become allies in the battle against oppression of all kinds, I have noticed a couple of trends that are leaving me a bit frustrated. I find that I am repeating the same lines over and over, and that not many involved in this discussion (on both sides mind you) are noticing a few key points. I thought I would try to see if I can bring those issues forward into the dialogue and see how they are picked up. It is my hope that we might be able to redirect our efforts into something a bit more fruitful.

First and foremost I want to say that as people with ASSUMED privilege, it is important for us to become aware of and address our relationship to that assumed privilege. As a white man, even a gay white man, I have privilege that is assumed to exist by those who look at me. I may not feel it, I may not be aware of it, but when I look at how strangers or others perceive me, I can see how there is an assumption of privilege. For instance, shop keepers don’t tend to notice if I am gay, but they sure notice that I am white. I am shocked at how often folks assume my heterosexuality, but somehow the assumption of my privilege, and my whiteness goes unnoticed. I went to lunch yesterday to celebrate the end of finals with two classmates. Both female, and both white. We went to Japanese food, and a couple of interesting things happened. First and foremost I noticed that as a non-asian person, I was treated differently. Not poorly, or rudely, but different enough, that I noticed. Secondly as the man at the table, I was asked to order first, I was served first, I was given the beer my friend ordered, while she was given the diet coke I ordered, and finally I was given the check. What makes this interesting is to notice how often that happens. How often am I spoken to first, or dealt with first, or basically pushed to the forefront? As I notice this, I can notice my privilege, and I can begin to do small things to address it. I can notice who actually is the rightful person to “go first” and let them go first, waiting my turn. I can ask that the beer be served to the person who ordered it, and I can make sure that the check is put in the middle of the table. I can do this in a way that doesn’t draw attention to the action, but merely addresses the disparity. “Oh no, please you were here first.” or “please go ahead.” does wonders for moving privilege just enough in my own mind.

The second thing I have been noticing lately is part of the conversation specifically around homophobia and racism, but I think it can be broadened even greater. When dealing with the queer community, it seems we get caught in the “our” issues vs. “their” issues breakdown. I can also notice it in public discussions from within the black community, but I will specifically address it from the context I am most familiar with. I have noticed that black queer leaders are speaking lately about how marriage equality is a “white” issue, and how we haven’t been dealing with our racism, sexism, or reaching out to “them” properly. I hear from white queer folks about so-called reverse racism, or how we should be focused on “our” issues, and how they are tired of reaching out to “them” and how “they” don’t want to even address the homophobia in “their” communities. Are you noticing a trend? I see two specific things going on in this dialogue. First we have the dualistic and destructive construct from our opposition mind you of “us and them”. For years the religious right has been working both sides of the fence in order to separate equality and justice into parcels of land. As the power structure doles out liberties we all are entitled to, they do it in such a way as to make sure to keep up separate, and in opposition to each other. When did justice become a zero-sum equation? When is one person’s suffering and oppression any more or any less than someone else’s? Are you not aware that as long as we continue to let the elite power structure to set us up for opposition to each other, we will always lose?

See racism=homophobia=sexism=oppression=injustice. There is no gradation, there is no scale or demarcation. And just because one side or the other isn’t noticing it doesn’t mean I as a person of conscience, as a person of awareness am not still responsible for it. You invalidate your own position the minute you put it on scale with someone else’s suffering. White queers are not doing a great job right now of addressing their own internal racism. I don’t think that lets anyone off the hook for not dealing with homophobia any more than I think the fact that folks not dealing with the homophobia of their churches and families and communities excuses the white queer community from dealing with it’s racism. It’s not an either/or proposition, it’s not us and them. This is a both/and thing. I am interested in justice, and equality period, without reservation. I don’t focus on just one issue, or just one side. It’s all of us in this boat, and we all have to sail it or we will all surely drown.

Finally I am sick and tired of hearing about reverse racism. White folks listen carefully. It doesn’t exist. Are there black or latino folks who discriminate, absolutely. But that is not racism. Let me explain racism 101 for you. In order for there to be racism there has got to be an assumption of power. Someone outside of you, and internally you need to be perceived as a part of the power structure in order for racism to happen. Black, Latino, Asian folks are NEVER perceived as being within the power structure, even when they are. Therefore, although yes they may discriminate, it’s not racism.

Stop looking for excuses to not step up. Stop buying the line that “their” issue is not “our” issue, and stop telling me how “they” are doing enough about the homophobia, so we somehow get a free pass to be racist or to not deal with our privilege. It’s untrue and hurtful. Let’s stop hanging each other out to dry, and focus on justice and equality for all, in every sphere. If I am truly looking for freedom, I have to address oppression WHEREVER it is, not just when it’s “on me”. I have to examine the ways I was socialized to be an oppressor, so that I can be open when my friends tell me I slipped up. I have to examine what it means to have the assumption of privilege, even when I don’t feel privileged. I have to let go of the dualistic either/or zero-sum equation that the elite power-structure wants me to believe in, and demand that all people everywhere are free.

If you are a man loving white man, drop me a note, let’s sit down and discuss racism and sexism, let’s form a group of men who are willing to own our shit, and move beyond it. Let’s become better men, better fags, better people.

IN Zen we have a beautiful poem called the Sandokai. It was written in ancient China by a monk who was watching his community bickering over difference.

Sandokai is translated at SFZC to be “Harmony of Difference and Equality”. I am not going to talk much about the rest of the poem, although I think it is an amazing spiritual writing. I just want to look at the title.

Harmony is defined by Webster as:

1archaic : tuneful sound : melody
2 a: the combination of simultaneous musical notes in a chord b: the structure of music with respect to the composition and progression of chords c: the science of the structure, relation, and progression of chords
3 a: pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts (a painting exhibiting harmony of color and line) b: correspondence , accord (lives in harmony with her neighbors) c: internal calm : tranquillity
4 a: an interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative b: a systematic arrangement of parallel literary passages (as of the Gospels) for the purpose of showing agreement or harmony

It’s not that the notes are changed into something and brought together. Each note is appreciated as it’s own magical self. It is the bringing together of different notes that makes beautiful music possible. Harmony is such an incredible word. I want to live in Harmony. How often do we hear this? How often do we really truly try to practice it?

I also love that Difference comes before equality. You have to Difference in order to truly practice equality. True equality comes not from our sameness, but from our difference.

All of this leads up to me saying. What is it for me to be a white guy of concience? What am I doing to address the racism in myself and in those around me? I have started to look into the White Hetero normative, and am not proud of what I see. I am especially not proud of where I see my own participation in it’s perpetuation.

How do I break down a system that is so ingrained in me, I don’t even know I am engaged in it? What damage is this box doing to me? What limitations is it expressing in my life, and how is it stopping my heart from truly being open to all beings?

I took vows to Save all Beings. What that really means is I have to start seeing how I am practicing with the Harmony of Difference, and how I am bringing about the equality.

I am putting the call out.

I want to gather together white gay men and start to dialogue about racism. My friend Richard Wright, a man who I admire a great deal, is starting a similar group around Black Hetero Men, and Racism and Sexism. When I approached Richard and asked him what I could do to help or get involved he suggested I start a group of my own but starting the dialogue amongst white gay men.

When the White power structure of the LGBT community started trying to look at why communities of color didn’t support us, the conversation didn’t (but needed to) start with why we haven’t supported them. How do we exclude? How do we ignore our own privilege and inadvertently offend, or ignore our own non-white members? Why is it that so many of the folks I call friend or family don’t feel comfortable in the Castro? Why do they have to choose between which part of themselves to acknowledge or which oppressor to deal with? Most importantly, how do I contribute to this? What is my part in the relief of their continuing isolation?

So: A call to white gay men. Let’s do something really radical. Let’s come together and really look at our relationship to whiteness, to ethnic diversity, to racism. What does it mean, how is it we participate? We are all better off when we can live in a world of difference, and equality, but we have to be willing to sit down and look at our own shit first. If you are interested or know someone who is, please give them my email, send them a link here. Hook us up. I can’t do this alone

I love what John said at Americablog:

It’s odd, and therefore telling, that Obama considers all of us equals, yet he only seems to reach out to those who bash gays, and not those who bash blacks, or Jews, or people with disabilities, or any other member of America’s civil rights community.

Why is that?

If Obama wants to burnish his independent bona fides with a little Sista Souljah now and then, why is his sista always a dyke?

At some point, when your victim is always the same, your actions are no longer a sign of your independence. They’re a sign of your bigotry.

We continue to roll over and take it. We continue to let Elected officials throw us a bone, and then treat us like shit, until it’s time for them to seek re-election.

When Obama has a racist or an anti-semite at the table I may actually vote for him again, until then he is just another low life lying political hack fucking us over.

I am really interested in starting and working with a group of Gay White Men who want to meet regularly and discuss and dissect our relationship to Racism and Sexism. I got the idea from this amazing guy, and am not having luck getting other folks to make it a priority. I know we are all busy. I know we are all angry. I feel like this is something that may help us all a bit.

BTW go read what Richard has to say. I learn so much from him. What’s not to love about a Hetero, Black Male who works so hard to really free himself from Sexism and Homophobia.

I knew it would only be a matter of time. Barak Obama sold out the GLBT community for a photo op. I am sure some brilliant idiot had the idea that this would appease the Religious Right, and get them to back off of him. It won’t.

It will also cost him dearly. I can guarantee you that if this homophobic, anti=woman, anti-choice, pro dogmatic foreign policy piece of crap is on the stage I will not ever vote for Obama again. I will also actively campaign against him.

I am sick of apologists. I am sick of liars saying they are willing to let me get beaten up for the sake of inclusion. I am done putting up with the lies. I am sick of rolling over to someone’s idiotic ideals. I will not put up with it anymore. Prop 8 showed me and most of the LGBT community one thing. They want to not just have us shut up. They want us out of existence. We are considered second class, and we dont’ matter. I say we do all we can to show them that we matter. DON’T PUT UP WITH IT.

He would never have a holocaust denialist or a member of the KKK at the table. Why does this idiot get to be there? He whose name I refuse to even speak has views which are just as abominable. And yet Obama is willing to have him at the table.

FUCK YOU OBAMA

To all of you who claim to love me:

To all of you so called “Christians” who claim they love homosexuals, but still think we are all going to hell, and that it’s okay to vote to take away our rights. To all of you who want to equate my demonstrations against your bigotry and hatred with terrorism. To all of you who would say that anything which isn’t in keeping with your personal religious beliefs is an attack on those beliefs. To all of you who think you have a lock on God. To all of you who think they can tell me or anyone else how to live their life.

Fuck off!

God and Jesus don’t agree with you. As a matter of fact, you are an embarrassment to them. You are an affront to the very values you claim to hold so dear. You who would yell at someone with a splinter in their eye while not noticing the timber in yours. You who are so busy throwing stones, you can’t see your own shortcomings.

For the record:

Love is not taking away anyone’s right to love, and be happy.
Love is not thinking that your understanding of God, and religion is the only one that is right
Love is not voting in support of legislation or candidates who would deny me or anyone else the right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness that everyone else enjoys.

Don’t tell me you love me when you are not considering anything but yourself. Don’t tell me you love me when you aren’t willing to show me, or stand up for me, or move beyond what you think you know. Don’t tell me you love me if you have to add anything at all to it. Let me tell you what love is:

Love is knowing who I am and valuing that
Love is fair and just
Love is not hating anything about me not even my so called sins
Love is following the example of Christ and not buying into the stories the Pharisees and hypocrites tell you
Love is getting over your small idea of who God is and letting God out of the confines of your own ideas
Love is seeking truth and justice and standing up against everyone for that.

Love doesn’t have any qualifiers

Sincerely,
One pissed off faggot

I use Twitter, but I really love PLURK I want you all to go to PLURK and Sign up for me.. Cause well, I am just cool, and I said so…

Today we remember all of those who were murdered because of gender identity. Because they wanted to create a world where they could live in a body that matched what they thought about themselves. For simply living the full expression of who they are.

Check out the website HERE.

Remember the dead HERE.

Offer up a little blessing and love to those who suffer because of who they are.

I thought this raised some interesting points, and brought up some ideas for me to look more deeply at.

What do you think?

Might be time to have a knot tying party…

Feel free to pass around, post or whatever….

photo by Michael Petrelis

Henry “Hank” Wilson, who for more than 30 years has been a leader of both the Queer Liberation and AIDS Communities, died peacefully at 4 P.M. Sunday November 9th in Davies Hospital. A long-term HIV/AIDS survivor and “Thriver” he succumbed to Lung Cancer.

Hank was one of those people you just knew was on your side. I loved Hank deeply and on various occasions I had a crush on him. Honest, forthright, and always fighting for what was just and right, I admired him deeply. I will miss his presence, his steadfast activism, and his smile. Goodbye my friend

Don’t tell me my struggle for human dignity isn’t the same as yours or doesn’t count as much as yours or deserve the same respect as yours.
Suffering doesn’t happen in degrees.

Don’t tell me that the murder of my friends and family everyday doesn’t count because they weren’t murdered for the color of their skin, but because they dared to look at someone the wrong way, or look different than someone was comfortable with, or dared to breath the same air as someone. Or kissed the person they loved. Or dared to be happy and free and let their guard down for one minute in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lawrence King didn’t get murdered for the color of his skin, he got murdered for the way he WAS.
Gwen Arajo wasn’t murdered for being Latina, she was murdered for being in a body someone else didn’t approve of.
Mathew Shepard he was murdered because he was proud of who he was, and wouldn’t hide.
Harvey Milk was assassinated not because of the tone of skin, but because of who he loved.
Brandon Teena was raped and then murdered because his body didn’t fit someone elses model.

Suffering doesn’t happen in degrees.

Let me tell you the story. The story of a kid who was either beat up or threatened every day of his life from elementary school till he graduated high school, and how he never did believe he was worth loving, and slowly found ways to kill himself. I will tell you a story of a kid who was tossed out of her home because her parents, the ones who gave birth to and who are suppose to protect and love her, didn’t think it was anything but a choice. She died homeless on the streets of Chicago at the age of 22. I will tell you of a kid who is so battered and beaten that when he is raped, he won’t report it 95% of the time. I will tell you the story of a woman who was born a man, who was savagely beaten and murdered because her body didn’t look like what someone else thought it should. I will tell you of a woman who has her children taken from her after her 10 year relationship ended with the death of her partner. But these kids were taken from the only parent they had left a week after their other parent died, because their grandparents who they didn’t know, couldn’t accept the happiness of their own child. Let me tell you the story of a people who have been told the only way God will love them is if they aren’t who God made them to be in the first place. Let me tell you of how teen suicide among gay and lesbian youth is twice as high as among any other category. How we spend our whole lives being told we can’t be loved, we can’t be free, we can’t be who we are, and be happy. I will tell you my history, my legacy, my stories. I will tell you the story of watching every single one of my friends, family, lovers, brothers and brood die around me while no one else cared, or cried, or grieved.

Suffering doesn’t come in degrees

And then I will tell you of how despite all that. We love, and sing, and laugh and produce, and make art, and provide for ourselves and each other. How we live full and powerful lives. We fight and cry and make our own families and remember our own history and try to find a haven of comfort and safety in a world that opposes us at every turn.

Suffering doesn’t happen in degrees.

Ya know, as my anger and hurt feelings depleted, and I looked around, I noticed a few things. One, I wasn’t really doing anything but feeding this entity of anger that had taken over my body. There was no forward movement there was no engaged conversation or even open listening. Just this ever hungry, ever demanding, ever less intelligent anger.

Then a few things happened. First, I saw the video mentioned in my last post. It boiled over and spilled my anger which like a boiling pot actually reduces it’s content. This allowed a small voice to enter into the constant unending dialogue in my head and point out that “maybe the Main Stream Media didn’t actually have it’s facts right”. “Maybe this isn’t about race, but more about religion”. And the final nail that extinguished the voice, “What are you going to do about it either way”?

The next day, I went to school early, and sat down with the Chair of the Africana Studies Department in the College of Ethnic Studies at San Francisco State University. This (seemingly) straight black woman not only gave me an hour of her time, but was intimately engaged in a dialogue about where this conversation I was desperate to have really should be taking place. But not just that. It motivated me towards hope, and help me clarify my question even more.

The question I left with was “Can white queer folks and black straight folks come together and find a way to really relate to each other”?

Then I came home after class to a couple of emails. First was a forward from a friend about this guy named richard m. wright. This is a straight male black ally who believed in this conversation too. We swapped a few emails and even more clarity to how to answer my question came about. I saw that before we can get to the original question, I had to start with my own segment of the conversation. After all, any conversation that is truly intimate and truly open and truly transformative starts from one’s own stability and roundedness of the subject. I saw that first I wanted to get together with other queer white men who understand that racism and sexism are holding us back, and keeping us in a shroud of mistrust. Queer White Men who want to have a conversation about our own “stuff” around racism and sexism with the goal of growing through it, and transcending the limitations of our own unrecognized beliefs or ideas.

And then, to really confirm that I might be on the right track was an article by Kathryn Kolbert of the People for the American Way. And then I read this article from the amazing resource of Pam’s House Blend. I not only found a great resource but also confirmation to move forward with an empowered sense of need and purpose. The news of my brothers in community doing or saying such a thing woke me up, and broke my heart. Yes, we can feel betrayed, or hurt, or even angry, but we can never ever ever justify dropping the N-bomb, especially on our own.

I have started to feel heartsick for my GLBT brothers and sisters who are black, latino or asian. I realized how this divide and recent effort to split and dislodge any recent progress towards bridge building of two of their communities must feel. I recognized that once again, we as white queer folk forget and discount our own and pass right by those queers of color. I realized that instead of dropping N-bombs or attacking these two men, we should have been asking them how was it for them? What is the experience of having a door opened while being told yet again they couldn’t walk through it?

It was then that I started to look critically at our own campaign. From the beginning I was upset that we had “de-gayed” the campaign. It is why I didn’t volunteer for them, or do more than give them my money. See I won’t go back in the closet, and I won’t be invisible. I think it does nothing but damage us. But I work with what I got, and since I wasn’t willing to step up and lead that fight, I just sat back and stewed. Recently I realized that our campaign was also incredibly white. We once again let the Religious Right set our priorities and policies instead of setting our own in response to them.

As a Sister I was constantly reminding myself and my sisters to “Never let someone else decide our ministry.” We respond to what is happening, but in our way, with our ministry, not ever forgetting our vows. I remember when the Christians were coming back into the Castro to convert and save the Queers. At first the anger and frustration led the dialogue to “chasing them out” to getting angry and getting aggressive and “taking back our neighborhood”. But once we focused on what our vows called us to (Our vows are to promulgate universal joy and expiate stigmatic guilt) we instead decided to just meet them and provide an alternative ministry to the one they offered. We could stand beside them and provide love and joy and acceptance as an alternative to their hate. We started to weekly Darshans or rituals of love and kept the focus off of “them” but on a message that scared them away rather quickly. Love will always scare lies, hate and deception.

So this time around, I am reminded. We don’t let them define our ministry, we don’t let them define our message, we don’t let them define who we are. We also don’t hide ourselves from them, or not meet them with a full vision of our splendor of the harmony of our difference and equality. See that is where our real power is. By showing ourselves as we are, in true diversity, in true love and in true joy. We meet their hate and divisiveness with unity, and love, and hope, and change. That’s what got a black man into the White House, and that is what will give us back our rights without sacrificing our dignity.

I am trying to remember that my racism will not fix the fact that 70% of African Americans voted to take away my rights. I am trying to remember that love is the only course for me, and to meet everyone’s hatred with compassion.

It’s difficult, and I am practicing. You kicked me in the nuts, you voted to take away my rights, and now you tell me to suck it up? Watch that video to the part where the leader of the Yes on 8 campaign speaks… Tell me again how I shouldn’t be disappointed.

I have marched with you, gotten arrested with you, gotten in fights because I chose to speak against hatred directed at you. And then you kick me.

A door was opened on Tuesday in America. I just wasn’t allowed to enter in.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be lonely. At first glance it seems odd that living with 60 other people, all of whom are practicing a spiritual path similar to mine as best they can, I should feel lonely. But when you examine what is it that is behind the story that is “lonely” and I notice some pretty interesting things.

Lonely for me, isn’t just the lack of interaction, it’s the lack of intimacy. Of truly connecting with someone. I notice this lack of intimacy in my life, and notice that even with my small connections here and there, I don’t really have deeply intimate and sustained connections with very many folks. I have my friends, and I speak regularly on the phone with them. We connect when we can, and it is lovely. I would likely truly lose my mind without those spacious connections with folks who really know me, love me, see me, and who allow me to see and know them.

So there is something more than just simple intimacy. I actually have that in abundance. So what is it? Is it the physical connection of being held and loved? A friend sent pictures today from their wedding. In these pictures I realized just how overweight I am. I realized, how uncomfortable with the way my body looks I am. And how that translates to my interactions with people. I honestly didn’t realize that I was as large as I am. What does it mean when I have no sense of myself in the physical world?

I think that’s really what it is. There is this connection between being held physically, being held and appreciated for the body you are in. And honestly. Until I can give that to myself, I don’t imagine anyone else will be willing to give it to me. I can externalize the blame and say how “gay men are blah blah blah”… and I am not like that. A convenient and misleading truth. What I am noticing lately is that I am like Blah Blah Blah, and it shields me from having to risk involvement.

I have a lot of loss in my relationships with gay men. AIDS and drugs, and just general life has left some deep scars on my emotional and intimate life as a gay man. Can I make friends with these? Can I find a way to not let them control me so much? If I become intimate with this part of myself, will I be able to be intimate with the world in a different way?

Loneliness is an interesting exploration. Use it to find intimacy with yourself, and you just may notice a few things. Perhaps the intimacy with myself will allow for a deeper more satisfying intimacy with you. Maybe lonely isn’t the end after all.

Democracy Go watch this.. So Great

As I avoided doing the work on a paper that really needs to get done, and wandered through some of my favorite blogs, I came across an article from Paul in SF written for one of my newest joys - Pam’s House Blend.

As is often the case, I have no words to say how glad and proud I am that there are queers like this in the world. I have nothing to add to Paul’s words. His expression of the true virtue of “Treat others as you want to be treated” is beautiful.

I didn’t get permission to cut and paste, so I just will say GO READ THIS NOW

This is how low folks will go to push their “christian” beliefs. Talk about your hate crimes.

I won’t post the actual video because it is dispicable and disgusting. To take the image of HITLER, who killed hundreds of thousands of us, and use it to compare us to him? Are you fucking kidding me?

Forget the precepts, this is just plain bigotry and it’s wrong.